I have been outlining some topics to write about next, but I realized they are sad and I don’t feel like that is a good introduction. While, just like in real life, we have to deal with the sad eventually, I would rather start this journey off on a positive note.
That being said, let’s talk about the first time we had the brilliant idea of changing a toddler’s poopy diaper in her crib.
Or when we were busy doing the dishes so we give the child a breadstick so she will leave you alone for two seconds. Only to, days later, find it shoved behind the bookshelf after a two-hour-long search for ‘that smell’.
I have to laugh. Mostly at myself. I made a mistake, OK, I get it. But it is pretty funny. How do they think of these things? Who just abandons a breadstick?! I’d abandon it in my belly.
Most diaper changes are somewhat drama free. Until there is a really weird colored, bad smelling, huge deuce. She flails, kicks and her foot ends up in half of the poo so I try and wipe her AND keep her foot from touching anything else until I can clean it. Then, I just decided to wash her, take her out for fro-yo, and burn the house down.
But we all know that is not an option. I clean the baby, change her clothes, wash the sheets and blanket. Then take out the diaper pale bag because the entire house smells like shit now.
This was just supposed to take two minutes!!!!!! Oh fuck…with all of that, I forgot I was cooking chicken. And I am sorry, but I am NOT going to pay a $7.95 delivery fee! So, here we are, clean baby and I sitting in the rocking chair, eating instant oatmeal and a blueberry muffin for dinner. She is smiling up at me, that’s all that matters. I sigh and kiss her forehead. It’s all soooooo worth it.
Is this shit on my shirt, or blueberry…?
Next day, I have to wash the pan that I burned chicken in and two bottles, one with spoiled milk and one that I remembered to rinse out. That’s it. Will take me two seconds. Normally.
Today is one of those days she is really clingy and lovey. I normally worship these days, just not for the moment I need to get chores done. So…I ordered pizza a few days back and decide to give her a breadstick. For five minutes she will love that breadstick more than me. I get the dishes done and go back to play with her.
Later, I keep smelling this pizza and garlic that I had thrown out a long time ago. I ignore it at first, maybe I just farted pizza.
The smell is really bothering me, I can smell it every time I am in the living room. I decide to do some investigating. I find her brush underneath the couch, a block behind her pack-n-play, a few dog toys behind my chair. Nothing that would cause this smell.
Then, there it is. A garlicky, buttery, messy breadstick shoved behind the bookshelf. Ok, it’s not moldy yet, quick clean-up.
I move the bookshelf slightly so I can wash the wall. Every. Damn. Book. Fell. Came crashing down and scared the farts out of my tiny dog. Well, this might just be a good time to dust the shelf off, I suppose. I wash the wall, dust the books and shelf. Cleaned up the breadstick-astrophy. Done! That wasn’t so bad.
Until I went to put the bookshelf back and scraped my right, big toe. MOTHER ******!!!!!!
Ok. Blood. I have to clean up blood now. What next? Unicorn glitter?!
No judgement, but I left the blood and went to take a nap. No worries, my daughter was with her father for the week.
I chatted with my daughter later via video chat, and, once again, knew it was all worth it. She gives me a lot of things to laugh about. And a lot of reasons to buy Band-Aids…for myself.